My story starts in 1971. I was 5 years old. I was living in Port Moody British Columbia, Canada. I had 3 older sisters and 2 alcoholic parents. I woke up on a Saturday morning with my sister Brenda and we went downstairs like we usually did and there were passed out bodies strewn all over the basement floor. Above them all on table tops and the bar and coffee table held about 100 half empty beer bottles. My sister and I discovered there was a little bit of beer in almost every bottle. We went around sipping every one. That was the first time I got drunk. We went back upstairs to our bedroom that we shared giggling and then went back to sleep.
I then grew up in a broken home with constant yelling and cops at the door. At the time I thought it was normal. I would just play with my toys and I adored my older sister Leanna. My mother was there but she wasn’t present. I got sent off to my grandpa and grandmas almost every weekend where I was raped by my Grandpa. My grandma later claimed she never knew this was going on. She did. She just lied about it. Well that is my belief anyhow. I was ten years old when I stopped all visits as I told my mother what was going on. She believed every word I said and never took me there again. The bastard would pay me 50 dollars every time b4 he would touch me so I would hopefully keep my mouth shut. At this point my mom told me the truth about him. He had raped her all thru her adolescent years. At that time she was my savior and I loved her so much. This man died in the late 80's and when everyone was preparing to go to his funeral I was getting drunk celebrating. This man curbed and molded my views on what men were good for what they wanted and the way I viewed the man's role in any relationship or household. Money for sex is all they wanted. This man was supposed to be my male role model the man I was supposed to look up too? This man single handedly ruined my future.
I started stripping on the Vancouver circuit for $1000 a week when I was sixteen and dropped out of high school. Then I chose the toughest and baddest man to be my husband. I thought this type of character could protect me from the world. I never trusted anyone in my life. I married my gang member husband that everyone absolutely feared and I used him financially for years and years. Later to wind up being so in love with the only one that ever understood me. It has been 20 years now that I have been with my husband. We have been thru a lot. He has always been the sober one. Not I. I am not quite sure why he stayed with me after all I have done to him. He claims he has always been in love with me and he always felt sad for me because of the way I had been raised as a child. He is happy he hung around by what he sees today. I am grateful for this man. He no longer sells drugs and I no longer do them. I have been clean since August 21st 2011 but have had nice chunks of clean and sober time since 2005. Being in Recovery this time for me though is different than all the others which ended in a relapse...this time around I have a new baby girl. Being 45 with a toddler has made me accept many things including the understanding of STEP ONE. I struggled with this for many years which kept me going out over and over. I would have almost a year and relapse ever time. I just wanted the memories and the pain to go away. But letting go of my mother was huge. She is sick. I no longer speak with her. Now being a parent I ask myself why in the hell if she was raped by her father, would she drop my off for the weekend so carelessly all the time???? I have forgiven her but I have let her go and no longer speak with this woman who is an active alcoholic living 40 kms away from me. Most of my family and I don’t get along. I have been the party girl that has done nothing with her life, married the bad boy gangster biker, lived off drug money, and was a complete bitch all of my life. We all have been hurtful to each other thru the years but I am the only one sober today. They all think that me going to my meetings and school is a complete joke. I am the loser. It would b unhealthy to have them in my life at this time.
I am now in school, trying to b the best student and mother I can be. I attend classes upgrading to enter the college program of my dreams. Broadcasting Communications. I want to b a radio personality. I do stand up comedy now, am a fulltime student and mother, am a productive member of my community, attend meetings whenever I can, I no longer feel sorry for myself. I have accepted what has happened to me. It has made me who I am. The only person that can change my life is I.
I am now sitting in a computer lab, and I have been working hard all day. I have never been or felt more proud of myself in my entire life. I have a purpose. I want to do what I have always wanted to since I was a young girl to entertain people with my clothes ON and yes for money! A lot of money!!! LOL But honestly. I want people to respect me and look up to me. Not fear me. I most of all want my daughter to be proud of me. My husband and I still have our problems but we truly adore each other and I now know what real love it because I have it. I believe that I just left HELL, and I will never turn back.
"We might have a dirty past, but our future is spotless" If I can change, anyone can. I don’t really like what I have become but every day I am changing to be a better person. It takes time. But I am on a road to success that goes uphill and I must say, my legs are burning!! LOL Nothing comes easy; most people never try hard enough on their first wind, to realize they have a second. All I can do is put in the effort everyday, because going back to HELL, is no option for me....
Thanks for reading my story, GOD BLESS