12 Step Planet - Storm Before the Calm
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Hurricaine Cathie - Stories about Addiction
Recovery, wow!  I always thought it meant something like getting over the flu. Never knew it was a way of life. Boy did I need a new way of life.  Ive used the better part of fifty years. Writing that down looks insane. I gave that much of precious life to the foreign management of addiction. I joined the volunteers of the walking dead.  I had an absentee dad and mom who so badly wanted to be a socialite.  I loved them so much but the level of dysfunction in our home was off the charts. My dad was an architect, composer, musician artist. You garden variety genius.  My mom was an actress. They met and “fell in love” and the tsunami that was their marriage began.  I became the invisible child and only child for some time. My aunt was a ballet teacher and that is where I spent most of my time as a little person. it is also where I learned to live in fantasy and live in magical thinking. My parents were in constant turmoil. At eight years old I was sexually abused by a neighbor and her daughter. It lasted until I was 12. I never told anyone. I also got a skin disease that covered my entire body.  This is where I came to the realization that I was damaged goods and God had made some terrible mistake when He made me. My lot in life in my little girl heart believed there aint no good nowhere. My parents divorced when I was 12 and we move to Maryland. I became my brother’s keeper. By then I had 2 brothers and my mom had to go to work. I was pretty much on my own. I hooked up with some kids at school who were into borrowing their parents  booze. They shared some with me. Nirvana. The monster that I thought I was melted right before my very eyes.  I was blown away. I had found my peace. The horror of who I was didn’t matter.  I had found the medication that took away all the feelings that drove me.  I was on the train and I purchased a lifetime ticket. I became like an animal that had been caged up and someone quietly let me out into the wild.  Everything changed. I had friends for the first time. I began to sing with a little “combo” and loved it. I was a misfit and I loved misfits. I dated hoodlums (my moms word). I was running amuck. By the time I was 16 I had tried every drug available except heroin. I took acid all the time. I went out with whoever asked me. I hung out downtown Houston at a bar called the cellar. I loved musicians.  Drugs, sex, rock n roll was not a slogan for me it was my life. All I wanted was more. What I wanted was to be loved. I just couldn’t figure out how to make that happen.  I was now 17. i got pregnant,oops, that put a wrench in my lifestyle. Tried to get an illegal abortion but it was so demeaning my mom nixed it. I gave my baby up. By now I had several serious relationships, tried everydrug including heroin and was ready to roll again.  Roll I did. I had fallen in love with a musician but we had some issues. I hooked up with a hippie god who was in sds and set about changing the world. It  turns out it just not that easy to do. Live on the east coast moved to west coast got pregnant and moved home after a lady in a grocery in Sausalito told me I looked like Sharon tate. I was outa there post haste with my new baby girl. So much happened to me I not sure I get the timeline right.  I got back with my musician and we became heroin addicts. It was the beginning of a descent into hell.  We had money and we had dope.  We used for several years. He was and is very successful and his management told him he was going to lose his job if he didn’t get clean and I lost my daughter. The beginning of consequences that cost more than you want to pay.  Don’t choose your dues for real.  This was my first intro to recovery. It saved our lives.  The problem with me was I got cured so after 3 yrs I knew a drink wouldn’t hurt me after all I was a heroin addict not a drunk.  Fast forward to 2009 august. I woke up in icu with tubes in me and some woman stroking my hand asking me if I knew my name. I didn’t and I didn’t know hers either. I thought I was a cartoon.  I had over dosed on pills and a precious friend who was in recovery got me to the hospital saved my life. If she hadn’t chosen to help me I would have died. The next day I entered treatment. I have been married 4 times, I was part of a murder suicide massacre that took place in one of my marriages. It happened because of alcohol. I am the victim of domestic violence, ive had 2 abortions, I mental institution, 2 treatment facilities, county hospital stay where they gave wrong meds and almost killed me. I have lost more friends and family to this disease that I care to remember. Ive attempted suicide.  I have done my time in the drug wars.  That wonder cure all alcohol that made a broken little girl feel good turned on her with a vengeance.  But  God. I need no convincing that there is a higher power. For me it is God . I have a relationship with Jesus that is healing me from the inside out.  I love my sobriety. I have fought so hard to get and keep it one day at a time.  I can truly say that from my first intro to the gift of sobriety getting loaded was never fun again. In the end it was torture. I am so grateful to be alive. Why God chose to let me live baffles me sometimes.  I tried so hard to bail on life.  With the gift of sobriety great joy has come along with it. I love to laugh and laugh and laugh. There is beauty in the simplicity of this recovery deal. I'm not alone unless I chose to be but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt im loved. Fear that ran my life is gone. When I feel fearful I remember it is a feeling. God has never dropped in the grease. I'm so grateful that I get to be part of recovery. I wouldn’t change a second of my life.  It has brought me to a place for me that is a type of heaven on earth safety from the storm. Ive stepped into the promised land of recovery and im no longer tethered to chemicals.  If your using or thinking about a program of recovery my prayer is that you'll give it a shot.  Try it A while and see what happens. If you don’t like it you can have double your misery back.  I hope none of this sounds preachy truly that’s not my heart.  I’m just so grateful to be alive and on the path to wholeness. I pray that everyone finds their path and their higher power.  It is a life worth living and it still amazes me.
 
 
Cathie