12 Step Planet - Serenity Steve
 - Helping Families with Addictions
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How The God of My understanding Changed my life

Well i am going to share with you all my life’s story how The God of my understanding Changed my life. I Was born to 2 parents named Mary and Joseph who had 7 children 6 boys and 1 girl. WE was a Roman Catholic family. I grew up in NYC from the outside we looked like any typical working family. when i was just about 3 yrs old my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to go into the hospital for along time. And I thought she Abandoned me, this was shared with me by my dad. I was the Black sheep of the family so to speak. MY mom was 1 of 6 and her dad died when she was just 12 , so she had to assume the parent role in her family and raise her 5 siblings while her mom went to work. So she never had a childhood. MY dad on the other hand was 1 of 7 and they grew up in the great depression. When dad was only about 11 they told him,Joey we can’t afford all the children so we have to put you in a foster home, Which was located in Far Rockaway Queens NY. Dad was Raised by Jesuit brothers. When my Dad married my mom, he forgave his mother for giving him up for adoption. His mom would spoil me and my older brother and dad resented that. His mom explained to him that she could not take back what she did to him. But that he would allow her to be the grandparent to me and my siblings. I always looked out for my brothers when one of them did something wrong i would take the blame for it. Cause before i was always getting the blame when i did nothing wrong. Mom and I had a very restrained relationship. The idea my parents had of love was that they provided a roof over my head, food to eat and clothing to put on. They never said I love you. I understand why today, but i didn’t back then. So I was never encouraged to do good. Mom loved putting me down, she used to say to me , you was a accident we should never have had you. Or your not really one of our’s you were adopted. Never was i encouraged so by the time i reached 11 yrs old i started to smoke cigs, and then it was weed and other drugs like heroin coke pills speed anything so that i did not have to feel. I was also molested by a Catholic priest and when i told my mom, she was like you are lying . That’s a man of God. I was also molested by a relative. So the only friends i had back then were those that were getting high on drugs. I used to escape and once i started the addiction kicked in. I left home around 13 , and i had to sell my body to survive the streets. So that i could eat, I got into trouble with the law several times, they sent me away to a drug rehabilitation known as Day top village. Thinking that would fix me. I convinced my parents that i was not a Junky but a alcoholic and started to go to some AA meetings. I was very young and the oldest was like 40 yrs old and i was only like 15 at the time. I did not understand anything about the program. So they told me to make 90 meetings in 90 days and decide for myself if i was a alcoholic. And after 90 days you can go back to using if you so choose. which i did, came back right away cause i had a blackout and thats when someone shared with me that i had a head full of AA and a Belly full of beer so to speak. That the 2 do not mix. Never the less i went back out. This was the 80’s now, i knew i lived a reckless life, i did the military thinking i could escape and see the world that just made things worse. I came out of the Navy and my Mom got me a job as custodian at their local parish. I hooked up with a Catholic priest who loved to drink scotch and smoke pot, i said damn now this guy i like. I could grow to like this. But by now i was drinking like a quart of rum a day that i started to help myself to the liquor that they had for their dinner shows. I helped myself to the poor box justifying by saying to myself i was poor. I would drink and drug like 6 nights of the week, only cause i need a day to recoup. Then Aids hit the united states of America. I was noticing friends all around me were coming down with this. And they were dropping like flies. So i got the courage to go and get tested. MY first test came back a false positive, and then was retested and it came back a false negative. They advised me to come back in 1 yr and they would have a better test to see if i had the AIDS Virus. I no longer wanted to know at that point. So i joined AA , and stayed for many many yrs. Then like we hear so too often i stopped going to meetings and i picked up again. Then it was like 1993 where i was homeless, jobless and penniless. So i went to a detox followed by rehab and then into one for those that were trying to stay clean shelter. They suggested i get tested for HIV. So i went down to get tested, the nurse suggested to me that i should not come back for my results alone. Of course in my Big EGO i said you know i have survived this , there is no way i have it. So i did not bring anyone with me when I got the results back. I walked into the office and she asked did you bring anyone with u? I said no why? I no i’m Negative, she responded with tears in her eyes i wish that was true. You Have hiv. I was shocked, blown away. I thought about ending my life. Just didn’t have the courage to blow my head off with a gun. The Counselor at the clinic came looking for me, She said Steve i am glad i found you. Listen the world doesn’t have the answer , but i know some one who does and He loves you. He is God. How about coming to church with me and letting the pastor and the prayer team pray over you. I agreed to go. Then i had a appointment with the doctor who drew my blood and was checking to see what my t-cell count was. When i walked in He said Steve we need to start medication right away. I said no way doc i will not touch that AZT. He said Steve you have Full Blown Aids and if i don’t take this medication i will be Dead in less than 6 weeks. So i refused. The Following day i went to the church with my counselor. The pastor said Steve Faith cometh by Hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence not seen. Do you Steve Believe God is Able. I said yes, even though i didn’t understand. Well the Pastor said Steve for the the next couple of months just believe that god will heal you and restore your t-cells. So i went back to the Doctor and i told him i will not be taking any Meds. He made me sign a consent form stating i am going against doctors orders. I told him Jesus is going to heal me. Well understand, my doctor was not having anything of that cause he was Jewish. So i passed the 6 week mark and he was amazed that i was still alive and functioning. I just kept proclaiming that God would heal me. This went on for like 6 months and went back to my doctor to get my blood tested again. And my T-cells came back 989. He was blown away, He said thats impossible. And every time their after he tested me it was higher. So i went back to the church and told them the News. The Pastor said Steve see God healed you. I Said pastor i was reading and meditating on the word and in a silent voice with in, I head Steve MY Grace is Sufficent for thee. No Pastor i am still Hiv positive. Lets say the Pastor was not happy about it now and asked me to leave his church cause i had the devil in me. Cause i was a Leper . So I went to A Pentecostal church. And there got very involved, Pastor said Steve pray about going to Bible college cause God has a calling on your life. So i applied to a few Schools, they were hoping that Valley forge in PA would accept me. Well to make a long story short i went to Florida Bible college . I didn’t drink for first 6 months there, But when i needed someone to talk to and no one was available. They were all busy with themselves. I did what was normal i went to a bar. I got arrested several times when in bible college for fighting in bars. Also Got my only DWI. I give them Credit cause they did not judge me. yes i was suspended from school. Then after completing the schools i got very sick, i had many opportunistic infections, i had shingles, pcp, thrush and aids wasting syndrome. And the health care then down south sucked. So i came back to NYC. Where i knew it was the best. I had to stay with my parents until I could Find a apartment. That Morning i woke up and was getting ready to shower. My mom asked me if i was using the shower in the bathtub or the shower stahl. I said shower stahl. She said you are using the liquid soap right. I Said yes. She said you know we have towels with your name on it. Only use them. I said i got my own. Well when i opened the bathroom door my Mom was dressed like it was Halloween. Total ignorance. she had scrub brush in one hand and bleach in the other, she had rubber boots on and gloves and a plastic apron that went from her chin to her toes and a mask around her mouth. Note my mom new all about this from when i was first diagnosed. It was the only time in my life that i cursed he face to face. I could not believe it. Then she told my brother who had a little girl at the time, not to let me go near her and if they were smart they would stay far away from me. This was 1998. I couldn’t believe it. I was so crushed . In the Man made churches they did not want me in their churches and now my own family didn’t want me either. So are relationship was strained from then on. Until she was Diagnosed with cancer. But even in her dying days she still had that ignorance towards me. Well i bottomed out on crack and did not see a way out, Tried to go to some meetings, i was just caught in hell and attempted to commit suicide on thanksgiving day 2008. Well the God of my understanding had other Plans for me. He chose to use Narcotics anonymous as the vessel. So I am extremely Grateful that My God Never Gave up on me. That even thru the rebellion He was there all the time. His Promise was that He would never leave me nor forsake me. Today i go to Narcotics anonymous and i am a grateful member . God truly has saved my life. I know i would not be here today if i did not have the God of my understanding in my life. Today i read and study and meditate and I go to 12 step meetings and i Practice the Spiritual Principles in all arenas of my life. I hope and Pray this helps others. Thank you and God bless……!! Serenity Steve