I had spent an eternity in the last 30 minutes puking my guts into multiple trash cans in my room. I was doing so with such violence that I thought my stomach was going to jump out of my throat, or my stomach acid and bile were going to combine and burn through my already desiccating soul. For reasons only the Gods know, the violent undulations of my abdominal cavity instantly ceased.
Instead of being grateful, I was fucking livid. For you see, 6 hours earlier I had set out with one intention in mind. I was going to combine all of the Alcohol and Narcotics that I had, as well as, any that I could dupe or scheme from everyone I knew and use until I was beyond dead. However, not only was this night far from over, it didn't end the way I intended. Mere moments after I could puke no more the World I had known for the previous 19 years would cease to exist.
In its place, I would begin to lay the foundation of what became the person I am today. However, the Universe wanted to make sure I learned the lesson behind "Watch what you pray for, you just might get it."
The puking ended, and what I thought was the beginning of the end was just the briefest of intermissions. The last thing I remember of that night was sitting up, and the following things occurring in rapid succession. First my lungs felt like they froze, then I lost all sensory input or output, and finally to top it all off, my heart stopped. Believing that I was done for at that moment the last thing that went through my mind was the following prayer of desperation, "OH GOD LET ME DIE, BUT DON'T LET ME FORGET."
What I ultimately wanted as I tried desperately to let go of my miserable existence was to be erased from Universal Memory, and placed in an endless void just for me, so that I could suffer in that state for all eternity. The reason I wanted that was that I believed that I was unworthy of Humanities concept of Eternal Damnation, and deserved something far worse. However, that was not to be their plans for me. It would be nearly a month from that night, and after trying to get myself Committed to the Hospital, and being told I was Manic Depressive, given 15 mg of Valium and sent home, instead of being admitted that I decided that maybe I needed to walk a different trail to get this thing called Sobriety.
Something inside of me knew I had made the correct choice when I walked into one of my first Meetings. For reasons I will never understand, I was my most receptive in my early days when I was at my physical worst. For the first 2 + years of Sobriety I experienced multiple seizures a day while all of the shit I did came oozing out of me. That's what brought me in the Rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's the reason I ended up there in the first place.
Sometime after I had turned 5, and had nearly been killed in an act of Drunken Violence, in which the back of my skull (which was still pliable enough not to break) met the corner of an Italian Marble table, as a direct result of my alcoholic father who I would come to hate. I would also swore an oath that I would NEVER become that monster (I would become something worse.) Little did I know from that night, but had the bone broke, I can safely say I would probably not be typing this, due to the proximity of the table to my hind brain. As you can probably surmise, I carried one hell of a resentment about that day in which I experienced my second NDE (Near Death Experience) my first was due to an accidental electrocution because I didn't understand the arch principle of electricity and took off my wet snow boots at 3 years old next to an outlet that was directly under a 220v Fuse box.
I don't remember much about the day of my first drink except that we were playing cards in my bedroom when no one was home, and one of my friends pulls out a beer from his bag, opens it, and hands it to me where I take a drink without thinking.
Two things happened which would change me from that day forward. First was the fact that my Stuttering stopped, it's what happened next that I didn't realize would start my deadly love affair with Drugs and Alcohol. It was the affect it had on me. I FELT NOTHING. Mind Numbing Silence, for the first time in a long time. Little did I realize, was the sadistic fact that once I experienced the Mind Numbing Silence, and believed it. I would never be able to ingest enough to get that feeling back. There would be several instances in the next few years that would cross my path, specifically to persuade me not to continue. However, after that first fatal drink I decided there was no going back.
This is the end and beginning of my story. I believe that's enough to convince you that I am a Real Alcoholic of the Hopeless Variety for whom the Book was Written. May this Story bring Experience, Strength, and Hope to Newcomers and Old-timers alike.