All I have ever wanted to do all my life was feel good. Is that too much to ask? I think that is all any person wants to do. As I grew up, anytime I ever got the least bit restless, irritable, or discontented I would search for something outside of myself to make me feel better. My mother would do anything for me to not hurt or feel bad, no mother would want that for their child. The only problem with this is that once I grew older the only way I knew how to make myself feel better was by seeking something outside of myself to make me feel good. As a kid it went from candy, to toys, to video games...etc etc. Now, I promise I did not start drinking & drugging until I was 13, I waited as long as I possibly could (yucca yucca). Now, at this time I was always in some kind of conflict or argument with my father who totally disagreed with what my mother would do for me. So, every day I would come home from school run in the house grab a bite to eat, watch one of my favorite cartoons & make sure I was gone before my dad got home. I would make sure that I wasn't there so that we would not get into a fight; I just couldn’t take the hollering and screaming anymore. Now, my good buddy who only lived only two houses down from me would always welcome me to stay at his house. We would go and steal some of his step-fathers weed, smoke it and play video games until I knew my father was asleep, or gone then I would sneak back into the house, grab some food and run straight to my room. So, I had found the love of my life, drugs & alcohol, and I said to myself I am going to do this every single chance I get for the rest of my life! Funny, how when we first get sober we can't live the rest of our lives sober (or so we think) but yet I sure was ready to be in a drunken blackout for the rest of my life! So, drugs and alcohol make me feel good or just not feel at all. I then started hanging out with the other drinkers & dopers at school & we are starting to hang out with the young ladies at the time. I sure did like those bottles of the two-legged variety. I remember the first time I had sex...I was by myself just like the rest of you were! No, but seriously, I was 17 when I lost my virginity to my high school love. Then after dating for four years she started messing around with my best friend. So, now of course you know this means war!...inside my head that is. My magic magnifying mind had done played out my entire life with this girl, the house, the kids, the picket fence...the whole nine yards! And I was crushed! So, from this point on, women are the devil to me. It's pretty wild how I could hate women & want them at the same time, because I became a male whore for the next 10 years of my life. Sick. Then around the age of 27 I got my first tattoo, and I loved it. The pain was such a sudden rush to me. The pain kept me in the moment right here & right now. Although, at the time I didn't realize that's why I liked it. But, it's true the pain keeps us living in the moment. Also, after I got my first 11 tattoos or so, I remember sitting in my office at the meat locker I was working in, yes I had an office. I was the supervisor in a smokehouse where we cooked ham & chickens all day long. So, I'm sitting in my office, eating pot and fistfuls of Xanax and Lortab, it was the most effective & fastest way when you can't get away, and I was thinking about getting my next tattoo. And as I sat there dreaming about how good that tattoo gun piercing my skin was going to feel, I decided to get out my pocket knife and just see how a little cut would feel. So, I started cutting myself at that point, daily. It made me feel good. Today I realize just why it made me feel good. Because when I had years of resentments stuffed deep down inside of me, they hurt. It hurt really really bad to hold in all those resentments from, being sexually abused as a child, from physically fighting with my father, from feelings of rejection by women...those things HURT. Now, when I would cut myself I knew exactly where that pain was coming from, I could see it, it was visible. People cannot see resentments, so if they can't see them, they have no idea why they hurt, why they can't sleep, why they can't stay in a relationship without sabotaging it. Sometime after I was fired from my job at the meat locker I had been sent to the
nut house for the eighth time with a year and a half. This time, while institutionalized, I had snuck my pocket knife into the group session & was cutting myself pretty deep while the counselor "preached" away. I had long sleeves on and thought there was no way that I would ever get caught. But, when group was over and we stood up to go get our lunch, the counselor ran up to me and grabbed my arms and pulled my sleeves up. Little did I know, when I stood up to walk out, blood had rushed from my arms dripping all over the floor, scaring the hell out of everyone. When, I turned around and looked, it looked like someone had just been stabbed to death in the group room. So, off I went to the highest maximum security room they had on the wing. So, these are just a few of the many things I did to "feel good". Now, when I finally got into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I started, slowly learning new ways to feel good. The first thing my sponsor put me on to was showing up early and making the coffee. I didn't really care to do that, but I was willing to do whatever he told me to do. After a while of making the coffee, something strange happened, I evidently started to actually like doing it. I know I did, because one day this knuckle dragging neanderthal beat me to the meeting and made MY coffee and that really pissed me off! That's when I realized I had become a service work junky. So, then I remember going back to my sponsor feeling like I'm on fire, and said, "Terry, tell me what to do next! Give me some more work to do!" And it was then that he told me to start getting up halfway through the meeting and filling up people's coffee cups for them. Now that scared the hell out of me. My magic magnifying mind had already played out me tripping over my shoelaces and everyone laughing at me & me plotting to hurt their families and I don't want to live like that anymore! So, for the first month or so pouring coffee really shook me up, especially when I did it in the meeting when 70 women from the treatment center would come to, that really hurt my ego bad! So after pouring coffee for about 3 months, I'm thinking I'm the best damned coffee waitress AA ever did see. And there was this old timer named Ronnie, who always chaired the Saturday morning meeting who sat at the end of the table. Every time I came around with my coffee pot he would cover his cup with his hand and shake his head, meaning NO, I don't want any coffee. Well, I'm a stubborn ass alcoholic and one day he was leaning over talking to someone when I came around. So, I reached down and poured coffee into his unsuspecting cup and when I did, he seen me and he was pissed. He leaned over before I could even blink and he gave me one of the hardest damned head butts that I've ever had. I never poured Ronnie coffee again. Want some experience, strength and hope? Don't ever ever try to give an old timer coffee that doesn't want it. At this time I lived a few blocks from the Salvation Army and I had started going down there twice a week for an hour or two. I had also gone to fill out applications to go & sit in a retirement home, but due to my checkered past, they would not allow me in there. So these are just a few of the things that rocketed me into the fourth dimension of existence. Today I realize that doing service work is one of the most important things that I can ever do. The highest form of peace that can be obtained on this earth is achieved through work & self-sacrifice for others. Working for God doesn't pay much, but the retirement plan is "Out of this world!!"
All our lives we are trying to be happy. We fill ourselves with junk food, sex, money, alcohol, drugs and negative music and the list could add infinitum. When we feel like crap we always want to go for the answer which is not God, but instant gratification, anything to "feel good" now. We are very selfish
people. We want what we want when we want it and we wanted it yesterday! That is NOT the way. Identify the stones inside of yourselves and see what is really going on with you. Feel the pain, embrace it. As we say, uncover, discover & discard. If you don't you will have to keep getting a new relationship every six months for the rest of your life. If it is money, you will have to keep chasing money all day every day for the rest of your life. You will always NEED something, a new house, a new car, new clothes; you must find out WHY you are miserable, or you will always remain miserable. When you are disturbed it is because there is something wrong with you on the inside, not the world. It is because you cannot accept something for what it is and no matter what, IT IS WHAT IT IS. You can either accept it and move on with your life, or you can bite it, claw it, scratch it and fight it, but in the end the result will be exactly the same. People will always continue to do things that you do not like and you will keep suffering if you do not learn to accept life as it unfolds. Getting material things to cover up this pain of not accepting never lasts because they ONLY FEEL GOOD, they are NOT happiness. Happiness is an inside job. Happiness is the smile on my face and the gleam in my eye. No man can ever take away what I have. "Feel goods" and happiness are two totally different things. We have to do service work to feel good until we do it so much that it becomes a way of life, and once it becomes a way of life then TRUE HAPPINESS starts to set in. The hole in the heart is always full when we fill it with service work, which is God, because God is love. Love is God. We have to work the Steps to learn how to work the Steps, to learn how to LIVE the Steps.
"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body." ~George Carlin
Sober by the Grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous