12 Step Planet - Carrie Anne
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Growing up can be so tough
I started using drugs at 9 yrs old. I came from a very dysfunctional family that had drugs and violence pretty much everyday. Other than my family life being unbearable i hide a painful secret. A secret i felt shame for. Shame that made me very angry cause i never asked for it to happen. At 5 my grandfather started molesting me. Not to get graphic but it did span till i was 16. That Is when i put a knife to his throat and promised I'd let him bleed out slow as my innocence did me. He never touched me again but did move on to my youngest sister and 2 cousins and god only knows who else.At 9 i discover pot and alcohol. No one had the time for me to notice my use-age and of course i experimented with other drugs to. Ecstasy, Valium, speed, acid, but ultimately cocaine and alcohol won out , so much so that by the time i was a freshman in high school i was a full blown addict. I couldn't go a day without either and lord the extremes i went to to acquire them. Somewhere in all this i became very violent. I guess a defense mechanism so no one would ever think of hurting me in any fashion again. I was in a lot of fights! I carried knives and pistols. Hung around drug dealers. Ive been arrested 3 times for assault, I've broken into homes, stole from people and my family. I hustled everyday for my fix! I even sold drugs thinking id get rich doing that. WRONG!!!! I dropped a lot of weight, couched up more than enough blood and my brain tried very hard to trickle out my nose regularly. I lived in dumps! I was dying!! And over what? Something i had no control over, no warning, no sign!! I felt like i had a mark that all could see because of the sexual abuse. I mean a grandfather, for pete sake! And one time i forget exactly how, i even thought it a hallucination at the time something , god, said plzz Carrie stop! It said plz trust me, i have so much for you than this! It said you hurting me. That voice, god, let me see where this ride will go and he promised he would never leave me. But i had to stop!! So i did!! Cold turkey and i do not recommend it at all! I got clean and sober at 25!! No relapse at all! I'm 44 now! Life deal me a lot of blows to. Lost a brother to suicide, 5 children, my father, my beautiful brother inlaw Chris, and the love of my life my soul mate. A lot of kicks to me, but i keep standing up! Everyday my addictions tempt me. Asking me to just cover up the scars, Veg out the hurt with a few lines and a couple 5ths. It's everyday!!!!Somewhere inside me i just cant! I wasted countless years in Addiction i can never get back. I really don't know if I'll even be here tomorrow. I hold myself accountable everyday, breath in life, dream, laugh and yes i can love. Gone is the rage of being violated, lied to, USED, and greatly disappointed, by me and others in my life. I let the past go cause, to me, every second counts and before i leave this earth my purpose will be clear. Helping addicts find freedom, beauty, love, and happiness is my destiny!! To constantly work to help them see recovery is possible and life IS a beautiful choice! Luvs♥

Carrie Anne

Lessons Learned in Life  

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