I grew up in a comfortable home financially. I am the youngest of four. I have a sister 13 years older than me, a brother 10 years older than me, and a sister 3 years older than me. I had separation issues from very young. My mom and dad worked a lot so I felt abandoned, lonely, and had separation anxiety as my first memories. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I was molested at 8 by an exchange student in my home. Fear overtook me. I was fearful of being alone at night, fearful of my own home, fearful of my own body, and fearful of power. My molestation has played a pivotal part in my using and spiritual growth. I started to become severely depressed. I cried myself to sleep for about 6 months straight. Reaching and calling out for something. And suddenly, I just went numb.
I went to a private school and was bullied at that time. I was bullied by teachers and parents. I was always, “different” and was severely depressed and so parents and teachers alike told people to not talk to me. I wore different clothes and began cutting myself. I am no longer angry at those people, but I have resentments at the institutions However, it is more important to nurture the inner child that suffered than it is to hold on to those resentments. I nurture that inner child through forgiveness, spiritual growth, helping others, and developing healthy relationships with men.
My dad forced me to play basketball religiously. He would emotionally abuse me and physically abuse me by throwing basketballs at me and making me practice multiple hours a day by the time I was 10. He used fear and screaming to parent me. I hated men at that time. Everything went blank. I started huffing from 10- 11 ½ bringing it to school and passing out multiple times a day from it in my room alone. I finally found weed and sex at 12. At 12, I was almost raped by my friend that was 3 years older than me I fought back and now see that the universe was looking after me. I saw that drugs allowed me to be feel only what I wanted to and sex allowed me to feel loved. I had gotten drunk at 10 raiding the wine cabinet, but drugs were my first love. It wasn’t until my bipolar disorder kicked in and I started having delusions that I couldn’t use drugs and had to drink. I started to dabble in meth at age 13, smoking it mostly. At 14, I found cocaine, At 15, I was having sex with someone for my cocaine habit. Not because I didn’t have money, but because he would only accept my body. I nurture that 15 year old girl by not using, and learning to love myself through finding that quiet place in my mind where I know who I am and where my God lives. So I never have to do anything I don’t want to physically anymore. Because it’s a hard habit to break when it’s all you know. 16 I started drinking so that I could fit in Drugs weren’t cool. I found amphetamines that were prescribed to me so I didn’t have to pay and no sex was involved. It also helped me with basketball. I had made varsity as a sophomore and was starting as a junior. I made all-district at a 5-A public school. I had scouts after me (I had left my private school at beginning of grade 8.) So I got lost in drinking, amphetamines, and men. All these things I perceived as giving me power. I felt as if nothing phased. It reminds me of how Bill W felt. “I had arrived.”
However, I hated myself, basketball, men, and spending all my time looking “pretty enough.” Always the right clothes, perfect hair, and makeup. So I quit basketball, caring about myself. I resigned myself to drinking myself to death alone in my room. I almost got a DUI and for some reason they let me go. That was the turning point in my drinking. I couldn’t drink anymore. So drugs? I know where the coke and meth lead me. I didn’t like downers. I was “too good” for heroin. I didn’t want to go there. So more prescription pills, more weed. And I got arrested. And suddenly I snapped. When they arrested me, I swore they planted brain cancer in me. I remember starting to pull at my hair. I believed that I had to find a man to save me from brain cancer and that in order to stay alive in order to find him, I had to pull my hair out. I thought that there was a chosen one and he had to get me out of theses “mental handcuffs”. It wasn’t until I got to treatment where I was diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder.
I got sent to the psych ward willingly. And I got sent to treatment on April 28, 2010. It wasn’t until September 19, 2010 that I decided to work my steps, though. I was still smoking spice in treatment for 6 months. The truth is, I just didn’t know how to stop. I was offered spice had no mental defense and I didn’t know how to ask for help or stop until I finally went to detox. There was a school program and I was playing basketball. I got kicked off the team because I was at detox. I went to detox one last time until I gave up. I brought my big book. I was relieved. I felt free when I woke up. I had surrendered. I had admitted my life was unmanageable. The admission of powerlessness didn’t come until my 4th. I also don’t believe there’s anything like a perfect 1st step in my story. My 1st step grows more with everyday I’m sober! So if you’re struggling with step one, by working the steps hopefully, you will see the powerlessness and unmanagability – I believe.
I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. Some days I’m happy joyous and free. I work with others, am sweet to myself, work on myself, sweet to others, pray and meditate, love the god I call the universe or love. I live through love and listen to the quiet place in my mind that I have found when I am doubtful and I try to accept myself and others.
I heard in a meeting that when the book talks about rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our P.A.T.H. Which stands for Patience, Acceptance, Tolerance, and Honesty. Which are the foundation of my spiritual growth. All it took to develop these were honesty, willingness, and open-mindedness.
Today I struggle with finding balance between spiritual growth, meetings, recovery, job, school, relationships, and just pure enjoyment of life. I find that ALL of these things encompass my AA program. I got sober to live the life that the universe had in store for me. And I love it. And I love myself.
I love being sober. I love AA. And most of all, I love you. - Becka W.
Lessons Learned in Life