12 Step Planet - A Newcomers Perspective
 - Helping Families with Addictions
Stories about addiction and recovery, Clean and Sober life styles
A Newcomer’s Perspective:   Aug 27th, 2013  

Halfway through August of 2012 I made a conscious decision to end my life. At that time I rationalized this decision by notions that the age of 25 was a long enough life. This decision came with little planning, and little thought of repercussions. I knew how I wanted it to end, and I knew that I wanted it to be discreet. My vision was one of extreme fantasies of everyone gathered around my grave crying and feeling hurt.  

Around that time I was alone in my war zone of an apartment. The wreckage was very severe because I was lost in a haze of empty beer bottles, cigarette butts and trash. I thought of the various ways to further this decision, but quickly discarded all for the Xanax bottle that had just been filled for my anxiety. 

I woke up in a haze. Where was I? and why were there tubes in me. Why was I in this place this couldn’t be heaven. And as consciousness came clearer to me I noticed the gurneys and disinfectant that was definitely the busy beehive of the hospital. There was no one around me, and I knew only one thought. Get the hell out of here!!! So tubes came out and my walking came to me. In my hospital gown I ran down those clean halls ignoring the cries of the nurses, doctors and rushing orderlies coming to bring me back. Surprisingly I made it out of the hospital but was immediately stopped by the police who brought me back to the hospital staff who quickly stuck me in the psychiatric ward that I had been sent to at least 7 time prior. Having experienced them I knew the order of it. Be patient, calm, and follow directions they can only hold me for 72 hours if I follow those three. Upon my release, I thought of possible solutions to the repair of my life. I was told of a social network site that I could meet people and gain friendships. It was on this site that my life began. I contacted a woman who immediately replied and invited me to join her at an address which I immediately wrote down and planned bus routes for.  

I was at least ten minutes late in getting there and was worried what she would think of me as I walked closer to my destination. The destination was a church, and I really didn’t want to enter, but I knew I wanted to meet her. She was so nice to me, and I had had little contact with anyone in the prior months. Before I entered I made sure I looked OK even though I knew I did. Upon opening the door I immediately retracted. This had to be a trap! However the site of the person I was talking to allowed me to enter. In this room were rows of chairs, a pot of coffee was boiling, and two people were sitting at a table smiling to the masses of people, the majority of which were also jovial.  

The woman at the front was speaking about drugs and experiences, and emotions, and I sat down in the back because I didn’t want to bother anyone. I was still confused as to what this place was. The cusp of a smile started to come into play as I realized I was like what she had to say. She broke me down when she said words I will never forget. “AA has loved me til I could love myself.” Those words…oh those words, it was as if life came back to me. For that was my death vision, to have people mourn me love me feel for me. It was everything I ever wanted and as time went on it was very clear to me that every single word was the real thing throughout late 2012 I began learning how things worked. How I am an addict/alcoholic and cannot control my life. How God Could and would if he were sought. I learned the value of life, and the value of working this program to my best ability. And then on December 16th 2012, I did something I thought I could never do..I told on myself. After months of struggling with keeping 24 hours but relentlessly taking chips saying I had more of what wasn’t truly mine. On that fateful night I took a 30 day chip and smiled at my cleverness. God struck me though because I saw someone that night take one whole year of sobriety. He was shaking and talking how he struggled to maintain,and how he was so happy for true life, true knowledge of knowing he had not drank and used in 12 months. That sunk into me and I raised my hand and gave that chip back, because I did not want to keep the lie in my hand. My sobriety date is December 17, 2012 and nine months is something I can grasp. My apartment is clean, and I’m doing my utmost to work on what my sponsor gives me. At 90 days I met a man outside a meeting and did what that online friend did for me I invited him to eat and shared with him those words I heard all those months ago. Helping him is a great blessing in my life because as of August he has now achieved 90 days. As I look upon that young kid who needed constant approval, care, and a sense of belonging I am now able to see a lot more light where once there was only darkness. It is truly a wondrous feeling.  

Oddly enough, as of this submission it is one whole year of that first meeting when I sought a single friend and instead found life. So in closing, I must absolutely be grateful to the life God gave me. HE woke me up in that hospital, and started my path to AA. So to my fellow newcomers I must fully say this: After every meeting we close by praying for YOU. I love A because Ive never been turned away, and know that I could have never achieved in life without there teaching me how to live one. I'm truly grateful that I get to keep coming back to the fellowship who have loved me back to life.   In Love,and Service   Sean S